


Alluka is satan and more shit

by GhostCell06



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Alluka is satan, Alternate Universe - No Nen, F/F, M/M, chatfic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-19
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-15 17:36:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,417
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29562705
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GhostCell06/pseuds/GhostCell06
Summary: Unicorn's start shit
Relationships: Feitan/Phinks (Hunter X Hunter), Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck, Hisoka/Illumi Zoldyck, Kurapika/Leorio Paladiknight, Machi/Pakunoda, Uvogin | Ubogin/Shalnark
Comments: 9
Kudos: 27





	1. Unicorn time

Killua: I’m a unicorn

Kurapika: Nah bitch, I’m the pretty unicorn

Zushi: You’re a WHAT

Kurapika: DID I FUCKING STUTTER

Gon: I wanna watch Killua graze on the field

Leorio: That’s kinda gay my dude

Gon: Then eat him

Killua: ...what's that supposed to mean

Gon: Did I freaking stutter

Kurapika: 3-2-1

Killua: n-no

Leorio: FHDABYUFVBWHIBFIB HOW THE FUCK DID YOU

Illumi: I don’t even know how but my brother has the ability to stutter over text

Killua: Fuck you

Hisoka: That’s my job, Illumi darling~

Illumi: Smirks

Killua: God dammit, fuck me

Gon: Smirks

Gon: That’s my job

Killua: 

Illumi: I can hear his gay panic

Leorio: I can feel it

Kurapika: I can smell it

Ponzu: What does it smell like

Kurapika: Sniff

Kurapika: Despair 😍

Illumi: I swear you feed off despair

Leorio: Who says they don’t

Killua: I’m killing you all, let me be a beautiful unicorn

Gon: What about me 🥺

Killua: You’re spared

Hisoka: That’s kinda homosexual

Killua: HE’S MY BOYFRIEND

Kurapika: Imagine having a partner

Leorio: Ahem

Kurapika: Shut up

Leorio: Sobs

Kurapika: Keep crying, I need some food

Killua: Imma go graze

Illumi: Isn’t Gon the one who eats grass?

Gon: THAT WAS ONE TIME

Hisoka: WHAT DO YOU COUNT AS ONE

Ponzu: I’VE SEEN YOU EAT GRASS ON 36 SEPARATE TIMES

Gon: THOSE WERE 1 TIMES AND 84 SEPARATES TIME

Zushi: YOU ATE GRASS 85 TIMES????

Killua: I kissed grassy lips, so many times

Gon: smirks

Killua: Sobs

Alluka: You consented. Not my problem shawty

Feitan: The amount of evil she posses makes me wanna adopt her

Alluka: You couldn’t handle me

Feitan: Bet

Phinks: BET

Feitan: Why are you taking care of her

Phinks: Nah let’s bring the entire troupe to take care of her

Alluka: It’s futile, the amount of evil I posses will defeat the troupe, you would need everyone, just to even the playing field

Alluka: I will make sure the remaining moments of your sad miserable lives will be painful, you watch as the little seconds go by until it is time for your demise, because trust me. You will know when it’s time for your death, it will be slow and painful, you will cry so much you’ll drown in your tears, your only source of food will be each other and water is your own friend’s blood and urine. You will pray to whatever god may or may not be up there and watch as your prayers are completely useless because there is only one god, and she will not be listening to your prayers as I am that god.

Chrollo: Could we just stay clear path from her

Shalnark: Fucking pussies, let her join the troupe, she can’t handle all of us

Leorio: I think you should write your will

Feitan: Done

Phinks: Done

Chrollo: Fucking done

Kurapika: I think I’m in love with Alluka, platonically.

Leorio: Is this why Gon never gets sick

Kurapika: He’s fucking indestructible 

Illumi: I watched him jump out the window of a 3 story building and walked away as if he didn't just jump 40 feet

Gon: I drank my milk

Hisoka: MILK DOESN’T MAKE YOU HAVE GODLY BONES

Gon: I’m just built like that

Kurapika: Fuck it, fuck gravity, I’m floating

Leorio: I-

Leorio: I wouldn’t be surprised if they just start floating

Killua: I just ate grass

Illumi: He’s not joking, I watched them put a cone on his head, walked up to a field, and ate some grass

Zushi: WHY DID YOU WATCH THEM

Illumi: I betted like $20

Killua: Pay up shawty

Alluka: Killua, stop eating grass and go get eaten

Gon: Praise Alluka

Alluka: That’s right bitch, I’m godly and yet satan

Illumi: She’s evil incarnated 

Killua: Grass taste...grassy

Hisoka: Your description has left me in awe

Killua: YOU TRY IT

Hisoka: Bet

Illumi: Hisoka where you at

Hisoka: To your left

Alluka: And he’s eating grass

Hisoka: Killua was right, it tastes grassy

Killua: SEE

Illumi: Please, you can make up a better description

Alluka: You try it

Illumi: bet

*Alluka takes picture of Illumi eating grass*

Alluka: THIS DUMBASS FELL FOR IT

Illumi: Did my sister...just trick me into literally eating grass

Alluka: Thanks shawty babe

Shalnark: I think Alluka just dm me a death threat for not fearing her

Alluka: offended noises

Alluka: I did nothing of the sorts

Alluka and Shalnark dm

Alluka: Say I threaten you again and I’ll make sure that you gay ass femboy body will be burned alive <3

Shalnark: 

Group chat

Shalnark: Sorry, I think i misread it

Kurapika: Stares

Illumi: Alluka has threatened me, too many times

Hisoka: PLEASE I REMEMBER WHEN SHE THREATENED ME WITH A BANANA IN CASE I FUCK ILLUMI TOO HARD

Alluka: Hisoka, I have said banana in my pocket and you’re right next to me

Killua: DNSAUOENAUODAI HISOKA JUST RAN

Alluka: I’m getting the car brb

Zushi: WHAT CAR

Killua: Status update- Alluka is forcing Illumi to drive and run over Hisoka or shove a banana up his ass

Hisoka: PLEASE NO I’LL DO ANYHTINH PLEAS E SPARE ME

Alluka: You see this banana? No you don’t. Because it’s up your ass

Feitan: #AdoptingAlluka

Kurapika: Ayo I see Hisoka running on hunter street

Alluka: Thanks shawtybabe

Kurapika: No problem <3

Hisoka: KURAPIKA FUCK YOU SO MUCH

Killua: Car stopped

Killua: NEUIWBFNIUN ALLUKA JUST KICKED ILLUMI OUT AND IS NOW DRIVING

Illumi: I HELPED YOU

Hisoka: SWEETIE LET’S STAY TOGETHER

Killua: Message from Alluka “And you’ll die together you facking bitches”

Kurapika: HOLY SHIT DID I SERIOUSLY JUST SEE HISOKA TOSS ILLUMI UP TO AVOID THE CAR AND JUMP HIMSELF AND IS NOW ON THE WINDSHIELD

Killua: WHY IS HIS ASS SO FAT

Killua: ALLUKA STOPPED THE CAR AND HISOKA FLEW INTO BUSHES

Alluka: One down, one to go

Illumi: 

Hisoka: I’M SOMEHOW ALIVE

Kurapika: *sends video of the chase*

Chrollo: HOW ARE YOU ALIVE

Hisoka: JESUS SAID SO

Feitan: But you got hit by a car

Hisoka: WHEN IN DOUBT, BLAME JESUS

Phinks: Fair

Killua: We driving again, heading to Illumi

Illumi: Someone help, I can’t stop this force of pure evil

Chrollo: I’ll send Machi, Alluka likes Machi

Machi: SHE LIKES ME BC I DO HER NAILS! I’M NOT GETTING ON HER KILL LIST

Alluka: Everyone is on my kill list unless stated otherwise

Chrollo: How are you texting-

Killua: SHE’S DRIVING WITH HER FEET, HOW THE FUCK

Feitan: When in doubt, blame jesus

Hisoka: I think I broke something

Leorio: Why do I see Alluka’s car coming for me-

Alluka: Everyone is my enemy unless stated otherwise

Leorio: 

Leorio: I’ll give you a lollipop

Alluka: You’re spared

Killua: HOLY SHIT ALLUKA GRABBED A ROPE AND LASSOED LEORIO INTO THE CAR

Leorio: HOW AM I IN HERE

Kurapika: Yeehaw

Alluka: Kurapika is next

Kurapika: PLEASE ILL DO A SUMMONING RITUAL FOR YOU

Killua: Why did we stop

Alluka: I want hisoka food

Hisoka: PARDON

Alluka: Mcdonald

After 4 hours of looking for Illumi, Alluka decided to stop

Alluka: Anyways, come out Illumi

Illumi: wdym

Alluka: Out of the trunk

Illumi: 

Illumi: How did you know

Alluka: two reasons, i can smell the fear of people, and you just told me

Leorio: HOW THE FUCK DID ALLUKA JUST OPEN THE TRUNK AND CHAIN ILLUMI UP

Kurapika: im-

Feitan: She’s everything I want in a child

Alluka: Don’t worry

Alluka: The troupe is next (: <3

Chrollo: Fei, you killed us all

Hisoka: LET GO OF MY BOYFRIEND

Alluka: Get. Him. Yourself.

Hisoka: 

Hisoka: I love you Illumi but I fear her even more

Killua: Message from Illumi “THAT BITCH! I'LL KILL HIM”

Alluka: I count him as a troupe member so I’ll get him tmr. Right now I want my chocolate milk


	2. I swear she's a demon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alluka is supernatural

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really glad you all loved the first chapter. I originally created it because my teacher said to write something about unicorns and well. it led to that

Feitan: So uh, remember how we said we would adopt Alluka for a day-

Kurapika: What did she do, yall been quiet for a few hours

Killua: Yall

Kurapika: I will beat you

Shalnark: HOLY SHIT I SWEAR SHE'S NOT HUMAN

Feitan: I have to agree

Shalnark: I'M ABOUT TO EXPLAIN ALL THE SHIT SHE FUCKING DID

Alluka: Calmly sips tea

Uvogin: STOP THAT, YOU BURNED DOWN A BUILDING

Leorio: I BEG YOUR FUCKING PARDON

Killua: Innit luv

Leorio: I'll fucking eat your children

Killua: As if I'll have any

Gon: you're lucky you can't get pregnant

Kurapika: ...

Leorio: ...

Illumi: ...that's my brother-

Killua: GON, WE HAVEN'T DONE IT

Gon: Yet

Killua: 

Alluka: Killua is a heater from how red he is

Killua: HOW DO YOU KNOW, AREN'T YOU AT THE PHANTOM TROUPE HOUSE

Alluka: I'm everywhere and nowhere

Shalnark: Alright, let me tell you what the fuck happened

Chrollo: She burned all my bibles

Kurapika: As she should

Shalnark: She did something to literally everyone

Shizuku: Not me

Uvogin: THE FUCK

Alluka: She's nice, I like her

Machi: Im nice-

Alluka: Why do you think you're alive

Phinks: Pls she scares me

Bonolenov: She destroyed over half of my instruments, she spared the sheet music that I've been working on

Zushi: Aren't those like, 200-1000 bucks each

Bonolenov: ...that would be corrected

Kurapika: Alluka already caused a few thousand dollars of damage

Franklin: I know it isn't much but she stole all my alcohol and clothes

Shalnark: Ok, so you know how there's a lot of people in this house

Leorio: mhm

Shalnark: Because of that we have a few bathrooms

Shalnark: I wanted to piss

Shalnark: So i went to one bathroom, someone shat some bricks

Kurapika: How much shit?

Shalnark: I meant shat bricks, literally

Gon: Excuse me

Shalnark: I walk in, to literal brick inside the toilet 

Kurapika: ...

Shalnark: I walk into the next bathroom

Shalnark: The toilet was shattered

Killua: WHAT

Uvogin: It looked like she grabbed a sledge hammer, and destroyed the toilet

Shalnark: THE NEXT TOILET

Shalnark: WAS IN HALF

Illumi: WHAT

Shalnark: IT LOOKED LIKE, SHE GRABBED A SWORD, AND SLICED THE TOILET IN HALF, DOWN THE MIDDLE, AND TOOK ONE OF THE HALVES

Zushi: I'm scared-

Shalnark: THE FINAL TOILET

Ponzu: Oh no

Shalnark: WAS GONE

Chrollo: I wasn't informed about this

Shalnark: I walk outside to go piss in a bush and i find the toilet, sitting next to the door, with a drawing and the words. "Looks like you need to shit some bricks, do it publicly. Winky face"

Uvogin: wait, did it say winky face or did it have a winky face

Kurapika: Probably say

Shalnark: It said winky face

Alluka: kissy face

Machi: I smell hetero activity.

Alluka: Shut up, I'm the trans person here

Nanika: Same

Shalnark: WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU

Alluka: That's Nanika, my twin

Killua: She has a rare condition that makes her eyes completely black, she looks like a demon, Alluka is the demon

Nanika: I embrace my demonic looks

Alluka: I wish i had that </3

Uvogin: We haven't even finished

Machi: OK MY TURN

Machi: I walk into me and Pakunoda's room. Cause couples share rooms

Machi: I open the door to enter, and well. Our room is missing

Hiskoa: WHAT

Illumi: WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU, WE HAD A DATE NIGHT PLANNED

Hisoka: Sorry Illumi dear but, I'm kinda in a troublesome situation

Alluka: Heh

Illumi: What happened?

Hisoka: It appears, I'm hanging off a cliff

Illumi: WHAT

Hisoka: I woke up from my beauty sleep. And I'm dangling off a cliff

Killua: ALLUKA

Alluka: Yes oni-chan

Killua: WHY IS HISOKA, DANGLING OFF A CLIFF

Alluka: It's only 50 feet

Hisoka: I'll have broken legs at worst

Machi: MOVING ON

Machi: It looked like, our room, was fucking teleported.

Pakunoda: You fell out the door lol

Machi: Luckily it was only the second floor

Gon: Wait, wouldn't there be a room under you

Machi: That's the thing, there wasn't. She fucking moved the room and shifted the entire house without us realizing

Kurapika: IM-

Uvogin: THEIR ROOM, FUCKING TELEPORTED INTO SHALNARK AND MY ROOM

Kortopi: Also she took my dolls

Alluka: They were fluffy, I gave you new ones

Kortopi: Honestly better than the old ones

Shalnark: OK, THERE'S ONE LAST THING

Chrollo: So Alluka left the house, we found it strange but were relived

Chrollo: We were stupid to think we were safe

Shalnark: WE GER A TEXT SYAIHNG RO RUN AWAY AND WHEN WE WGET OUTSIEDE THERE'S A FUCKINY CAR DRIVING AT US AT FULL SPEED ENGOLFED IN FALMES

Leorio: was that even english

Kurapika: Alluka said to run, a car that was on fire came at them

Chrollo: Also when we were running out, we found that there were very flammable liquids in containers all around the house

Shalnark: WE GRAB EVRERYOINE AND JUST BOLT AWAY, WE SEE ALLUKA IS DRIVING AND WHEN SHE OPENS THE DOOR TO JUMP OUT. A FUCKING ARM GRABS HER AND PULLS HER BACK INTO THE CAR, THE CAR THEN SLAMS INTO THE BUILDING

Leorio: WHAT

Killua: EXCUSE ME

Kurapika: MY BABY

Hisoka: JDABFIEBAFIU IYF W HWOHOUBDHWBDIABHF HYIBAUOCNBDA

Illumi: ALLIKA NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Gon: How is she still alive

Shalnark: BECAUSE OF ALL THE FLAMMABLE LIQUIDS THAT FUCKING MAGICALLY APPEARED THE ENTIRE BUILDING FACKING EXPLODED AND WAS ENTIRELY JUST PURE FIRE

Shalnark: WE WERE ALL CRYING BECAUSE WE JUST WATCHED AS ALLUKA FUCKING EXPLODED AND DIED

Uvogin: The next part scares me the most

Shalnark: SHE FUCKING WALKS THROUGH THE FLAMES, WITH A HUGE ASS GRIN ON HER FACE AS SHE FUCKING WALKS THROUGH A SEA OF FLAMES. IT LOOKED LIKE SHE WAS FIRE PROOF. SHE FUCKING RAISED HER HANDS UP AND THE FLAMES FUCKING GOT BIGGER

Kurapika: #satan

Shalnark: IM SO SCARED NOW, SHE WALKS UP TO ME. AND FUCKING GIVES ME A NOTE THAT SAYS. "This is your doing"

Shalnark: SHE THEN STABS BONOLENOV WITH A FORK AND TELL HIM TO PLAY DEMONIC MUSIC. OF COUSE THEY DO SO BECAUSE WELL, THEY ARE BEING THREATENED WITH A WEAPON AND SATAN HERSELF. THEY FUCKING PLAY THE MUSIC AND ALLUKA IS FUCKING SCREAMING SOME DEMONIC CHANT AND STARTS LAUGHING

Hisoka: .........

Kurapika: ^

Leorio: ^^

Illumi: ^^^

Killua: ^^^^

Ponzu: ^^^^^

Killua: I-

Killua: I have no words

Alluka: You guys think that was bad. You don't even know what I did to ging, or tonpa for that matter

Hisoka: Who's tonpa?

Alluka: _Exactly_

Alluka: He was some dude that flirted with me and I got uncomfortable, he didn't stop being weird so I erased him from existence. Including people's memory of him

Hisoka: "Where's our son?" "We have a son?" "Oh, I forgot we don't"

Alluka: Anyways, can i have icecream 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nothing she does is actually supernatural, she's just great with deception


End file.
